


Shower Thoughts

by retrovertigo (ellameno)



Category: Fallout 4
Genre: Asexual Character, Asexuality Spectrum, Awkward Conversations, Awkwardness, Banter, Bathing/Washing, Best Friends, Discussions about sex and sexuality, F/M, Gen, Male-Female Friendship, Multi, Non-Sexual Intimacy, Overthinking, Platonic Female/Male Relationships, Relationship Discussions, Shower thoughts and conversations, Showering together as friends, Showers, Undressing, Vulnerability
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-27
Updated: 2016-04-27
Packaged: 2018-06-04 19:36:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6672862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ellameno/pseuds/retrovertigo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Sole Survivor and Deacon are on a quest for personal hygiene. There's just one problem: It's a shared shower.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shower Thoughts

**Author's Note:**

> My first Fallout fic after like 8 years of being in the fandom. This started out at 500 words and the gained over 3k within a day. Please clap.
> 
> [Note: Did some edits, cleaned some stuff up.]

         “You don’t have to disguise yourself as a Vault dweller, you know? Vault 81 lets anyone in, so long as they’re with me.”

         Deacon’s ratty off-white tee hit the Sole Survivor's shoulder in response. She rolled her eyes as hard as she could. Usually she had better rapport with her traveling partner, but she was tired, and sweaty, and _smelly._ After a hard perilous trek, and multiple shoot outs, her patience for his brand of nonsense had been gone for several hours now. She just wanted to head straight for Tenpines. It was _his_ idea to take the detour through dangerous terrain. All this for a damn shower.

         “ _Trust me_ ,” she continued. "Even Nick and Hancock have been through here and security barely batted an eye,” she pleaded, then muttered; “ _Barely._ ”

         “Yeah, I understand, but that's not the problem. I’ve had a good thing going here since before you even defrosted,” he said squeezing into the form fitting jumpsuit. “Free showers. Free TV dinners. If we part ways -- or God forbid something _happens_ to you -- I’m gonna have to hoof it _ten days outside the ‘Wealth_ to get to the nearest joint with hot running water. So yeah, I’m not compromising my identity.”

         “Well... I get it but... you’re making this into more of an ordeal than it needs to be.”

         “It’s not an ordeal, _jeeeez_ ,” he chuckled. “You just go in there first. Say hi, make a scene--"

         "A scene?” she balked.

         "Yeah, dance on a table. Fall down the stairs. Get creative, make it your own. I’ll slip in while they’re distracted.”

         “Really? I thought you just said this wasn’t gonna be an ordeal. Now you want me to do a slapstick routine?”

         “Look, all jokes aside, you _gotta_ stop thinking about proper precautions as an inconvenience. We _can not_ be associated together, it's a bad idea.” He zipped up his suit and then looked at her soberly. “Not just for my sake, but the Railroad’s.”

         “Fine,” she sighed, mildly resenting that Deacon knew she’d do almost anything for the rag tag group of emancipators.

         “Speaking of fine, check out my ass in this suit,” he said, turning around. "Wow, right?”

         “Oh my God, I’m leaving now.” She threw her hands up and walked away.

         “That’s way rude, pal. You’re s’posed to be like; Wow Deak, have you been working out?”

         “I’m _so done_ with you!” she called back. 

         ---

         Though it was getting late the Vault greeted her as usual. Cordial, friendly, giving her updates on everything that happened since she was there last. They didn’t keep her too long, sensing her urgency. Good thing the kids weren't milling around, or she would have been swarmed.

         She stopped into the general store to buy Deacon some more time -- and to lighten this _back breaking_ load.

         “Hey, long time no see, friend!” Alexis beamed at her. “You just made it, I was just about to close shop. Here to trade?”

         “I’m unloading a few things, but I mostly came to take a shower,” she replied, placing some of her salvage on the counter.

         “Oh good timing! No one will bother you at this hour. Men’s shower is out of commission but, well that’s not really gonna be a problem now is it?” Alexis laughed, ringing up prices on her Pip-Boy.

         The visitor’s stomach dropped. “Oh, y-yeah guess not.”

         Hitting the showers with Deacon by her side was not even a inkling in her mind. They'd been through a hell of a lot together, and they were thick as thieves (on most days), but boy... that was a level in their friendship she had never considered reaching.

         “Alright, well here’s your pay," Alexis chirped. "Thanks for stopping by!”

         “Yeah, no problem,” she answered, distant, ungracefully shoveling the bottle caps into her pockets.

         ---

          _Shit, shit, shit._

         She slunk toward the shower room like it was a death march. This was just supposed to be a pleasant treat. A nice relaxing break from blood and violence and hauling supplies halfway across the region. It took her long enough to feel comfortable being naked in front of her own  _husband,_ let alone this goofball of a partner she'd gotten mixed up with when she joined the Railroad. She'd even quit her old gym when she found out the locker room was co-ed. It didn't even have anything to do with body insecurities, it was just... her personal hang up.

          _'Not an ordeal' my ass._

         She didn't even know if Deacon had made it in--

         “'Ey,” a voice came from beside her.

         She jumped. “ _Agh._.. Don’t. _Do_ that.”

         “Sorry pal, I thought you saw me,” Deacon replied.

         “It’s OK,” she sighed, noting the penitent tone of his voice. "You’re just lucky I don’t _shoot_ when I’m startled.”

         “Yeah... Glory did that for awhile.” He paused. “You’d think I learned my lesson by now.”

         “Bad news;" She looked at him. "Men's shower is busted."

         "But of course."

         "So with that said, who first?” she inquired, rubbing the crick in her neck.

         “First?” he raised an eyebrow. “I think it’d be way more inconspicuous if we went in together. It’s a group shower, anyway. And in my professional opinion, it'd be kinda suspect if one of us was waiting out here when everyone else in the Vault is probably accounted for.”

         “I mean...” She frowned but knew he was right. “Yeah, let’s just get this over with.”

         “Over with?” he laughed. “Wow I’ve never heard anyone say that about a hot shower. You pre war folk are spoiled.”

         She thought it was a tad unbelievable that he didn’t get what she meant. Then again... perhaps he did. Maybe Deacon was just trying to play off an awkward situation as 'no big deal', as he was prone to do. She could appreciate that. Actually, when she thought about it, it was one of the things she liked best about him. She was an anxiety bomb, and he was her defuser.

         Deacon beckoned her forward. "Boss-ladies first."

         They entered the shower room. She’d been here multiple times before, but usually alone, and _never_ with a man.

         The chamber was tiny, with five shower heads and a row of lockers of either side. There was nowhere to truly hide for privacy. It was something she hadn’t particularly noticed before, since she had no urge to hide from other women.

         "Seriously, how are you not stoked right now?” he asked.

         "Maybe I'm just tired,” she said dismissively. “I’m gonna go, uh... over there.” She gestured at the opposite wall.

         “Suit yourself,” he said, unzipping his Vault suit. “But even if there _were_ changing rooms, it’s kind of futile, yeah?”

         “Huh?”

         “Hiding to get undressed but then coming out nude to shower?”

         “Oh.” Again, something that hadn’t crossed her mind.

         “Your critical thinking skills are a little borked right now, huh boss? Guess you _are_ tired.”

         Or just frazzled from the whole situation.

         “OK, just... don’t turn around,” she ordered, dropping her over sized pack on the floor.

         “I promise I’m not gonna stare while we’re in here,” Deacon said. “I’m your friend, not a creeper. I mean in the noun sense, not the verb. I _do_ do a lot of creeping around.” He laughed at his own joke.

         “I’m undressing now,” she said flatly.

         “Gotcha.” He looked away obediently.

         Stripping off her heavy armor felt good. She didn’t realize how much weight she was carrying until her body seemed feather light in comparison. Her hands instinctively went to the areas where her pack had been digging into her shoulders. Probably gonna leave another mark.

         She hadn’t been completely naked like this in such a long time. Since she mostly traveled with companions, she kept her undergarments on while sponge bathing in the slightly irradiated rivers. Standing here with nothing on seemed so foreign.

         “You decent?” Deacon inquired.

         “Oh, um, one sec.”

         There was shelf of fresh folded towels next to her. She hastily covered herself with one.

         “Yeah, you?” she replied, shuffling towards the shower.

         “I’m better than decent, I look _good_ ,” he quipped as he emerged wearing nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist.

         She turned to her comrade so he could see the look of abasing disapproval on her face. He winked in response.

         “I forgot you had eyes under there,” she said, noting the lack of sunglasses which she could've easily assumed had fused with his head.

         “Right?” he courteously chose the shower a couple spots away from her. "Sometimes I forgot how damn _bright_ this world is."

         There were no stalls in this room, just some metal bars to act as both a safety rail and a surface to put items on. She didn’t know for sure if this was standard Vault design or not, considering she never actually _lived_ in 111 those two-hundred years.

         “I’m taking it off now,” Deacon warned. “So avert them eyes before you see something you regret.”

         She looked away quickly. “S-Same here.” She hung her towel on the wall hook.

         “Guess spending your life in a Vault means you’re kinda on a family level with everyone, yeah?” he said, turning on the water. “Shower nudity isn’t a biggie.”

         “But they shouldn’t consider  _everyone_  in the Vault family, if they expect people to reproduce.”

         “Uh, hence the _gendered_ showers,” Deacon replied.

         “Oh right. I forgot we’re only doing this because we’re forced to,” she said, turning her shower on as well.

         “Wow, pal, you’re kind of bitter about this whole sitch, huh?” His voice echoed enough not to be drowned out by the streams.

         “Bitter isn’t the word I’d use.”

         “You like your solitude, right? Yeah, I feel ya.”

         “Oof...” She winced as she stepped into the water flow.

         “You OK?”

         “Mmhmm... it’s just this water on my aching muscles.”

         "You're gonna be so sore in the morning, like, _yeowch_."

         " _Pfff_ , looking forward to it,” she lamented, throwing her head back into the shower flow.

         “I don’t know why you needed to carry thirty surgical trays, on top of the usual loot, but I respect your life choices.”

         “Tenpines Bluff needs aluminum,” she answered, as if it were obvious.

         “Do they?” he inquired skeptically.

         “Well... 'need' is a strong word.” She felt a little sheepish. “I _want_ to give them a better power generator.”

         Deacon chuckled. “You’re a gem, boss,” he then added; "Sorry about the... 'obstacles' we had to shoot through. The road has never been this dangerous before."

         The apology snuffed out any ill feelings still smoldering inside her. "It's alright. Now that we're here... it's kind of worth it. I think I really needed this."

         "Yeah, you were starting to reek, bud."

         "Thank you Deacon, you know just what to say."

         "What? You wanted me to be more honest, right?"

         She hissed again, gritting her teeth as she moved the soap bar across her shoulders.

         “Hey, I can give you a massage,” he offered. "I mean, _not right now_ because--”

         “It would be weird?” she interrupted.

         “Huh?”

         “Because we’re both buck naked in a shower?” she answered incredulously.

         “Oh.” He paused. “I was gonna say it’d be better if you were lying down, but sure, that too.”

         There was a moment of silence between them. She'd been mentally analyzing things for a while now. She took a deep breath. She _had_ to know.

         “Deacon?” she asked.

         “Yeah?”

         “How do you think... things are between us?” She braced herself for the response.

         “Oh... _Ohhhh_....” His voice was full of realization, “Oh _shit,_ you don’t think I’m coming onto you, do you?”

         She felt even hotter.

         “Oh man, maybe we do need better communication in this relationship,” he groaned softly. “I-- I’m not used to this partner work.”

         She turned the shower knob to cold, trying to hide her full body blush in the off chance he actually _would_ look at her.

         “I’m so sorry if I lead you on or have been making you _uncomfortable_ \--”

         “No it’s nothing like that.” She shook her head, the cool water calming her. “I just wanted to make sure we were on the same page.”

         “Full disclosure; you're a very attractive woman, but I'm not interested in being anything more than what we already are.”

         “What are we then?” she queried, curious as to what he truly thought.

         “Best... friends?” Deacon answered slowly, as if he was hoping it were true.

         She was shocked. “What?”

         “Yeah. I mean... are we... are we _not?”_ His voice raised in pitch slightly, almost nervous.

         “I didn’t know you considered me your _best_ friend.” She was feeling a little flustered, in a different way than before.

         “Can you not tell? God damn, I thought I was being a little too obvious with the pet names and the sappiness.”

         "Sappiness?"

         "Well by _my_ standards."

         “I just... wasn't sure if you did that to everyone--”

         “ _Hell no_ ,” he snorted.

         “Or if you were flirting--”

         “Shit-- _ughhhh_ \-- Have you been reading my platonic affections for you as romantic?” Deacon asked, disgruntled. “I wanna side-eye you right now but I’m not supposed to look.”

         “I mean--”

         “That’s so heteronormative of you.”

         She was taken aback. “ _Heteronormative?_ ”

         “Yeah... that’s a word right?”

         “It is, I just never thought it’d be in use now,” she replied, amused.

         “Well you know I'm a bookworm when I can spare the time. I read it in a old world textbook on gender and sexuality. Can you believe people made it such a big deal that they had to teach classes on it?” he paused. “I mean, I guess you can, huh?”

         “We made _some_ progress.”

         “True, but here and now it's just... live and let live. Be with a man, be with a woman. Be with no one. It's all good. But be with a ghoul or a synth-- _then_ you've got trouble. Funny, those _are_ the types you go palling around with.”

         “Bigotry is a taught behavior. Fortunately, I was thrown into this world and didn’t have a chance to learn the prejudices of this... era.”

         “Yeah. That’s... lucky.”

         They were quiet again for a few moments. She enjoyed the feeling of washing her hair with _actual_ shampoo for the first time in, well, months. So many mundane things from the past were like golden luxuries to her now. She wished she’d appreciated things more before they were gone. _Lots_ of things were gone.

         “ _Is_ this weird?” Deacon asked suddenly.

         She was jolted out of her thoughts. “What?”

         “Us showering together. I just... I dunno it didn't even cross my mind. Like, felt natural to be _au naturale_.”

         “That’s a bizarrely sweet sentiment,” she replied.

         "I mean-- you've been half naked when I've dressed wounds of yours. And you’ve seen me in my underwear like a million times already,” he said, regarding how he changed in and out of disguises on the regular.

         "Ah, yes, turning around and seeing you basically nude is the highlight of my day,” she replied sarcastically.

         "It’s part of the job,” he said in a defensive tone. “You wouldn’t have so many Gunners after you if you changed it up every once in a while. Maybe not a new face but do you _really_ need that hair?"

         "I’m not shaving my head like you."

         "Why not? Wear wigs. I think you’d make a cute blonde. I think I’d make a cute blonde too. We can play twins."

         "You’re ridiculous." She could feel a smile spreading across her face.

         "Yep, and that’s why I’m the best damn agent the Railroad’s ever had. I'm unpredictable."

         She laughed softly. "I know that’s supposed to be a smart-assed boast, but I believe it."

         Deacon was silent.

         She glanced over. He was scrubbing his scalp, as if washing hair he didn’t even have. He may have been a self proclaimed 'master of disguise' but he wasn’t skilled in hiding his embarrassment.

         “Do you like women, exclusively?” she pried, hoping to catch him off guard.

         “You’re asking like I don’t keep an air of mystery,” he said, trying to regain composure.

         “Yeah but that’s not going to compromise your identity.”

         “True. I’m everything and nothing, buddy.”

         "Of course." She rolled her eyes. Why did she think she could wriggle it out of him?

         "I’m not being facetious,” He added, sensing her doubt. “That’s just how I can describe it. I like all sorts... I just... dunno _how_ I like them."

         “Oh.” She was pleasantly surprised by the sincerity.

         “Sex is a lot like the duality of man, right? It can be beautiful and selfless, but it can also be immoral and hurt people. I think most tends to fall in between. Just kinda shallow but harmless, I guess. If that kind of mundanity was my thing back in the day, it sure isn’t now.”

         She was impressed with his rumination. “Sounds like you’ve thought quite a bit about it.”

         “I'm alone with my thoughts a lot. Or was, until _you_ showed up.” He jabbed playfully. “But I mean, you know how I feel about that shit. If the Institute never came to be, I think I would’ve still eventually wound up in the biz of fighting human trafficking. If synths weren’t a thing, slavers sure as hell still would be. It’s always been that way.”

         “Unfortunately,” she replied.

         “Anyway. I haven’t _been_  with someone like that since I joined up, which was practically ages ago. I’ve been celibate for so long that honestly -- and I’m telling the truth -- it’d be no tragedy if I never slept with anyone from here on out. It’d be like never eating tarberries again. Big whoop.”

         “Hmm I... haven’t really had the time to think on it as much but... I kind of feel the same,” she said, not expecting to uncover such a part of herself. “But... I do miss aspects of it.”

         He made a thoughtful noise.

         “Like... Y’know, when you love someone enough with all your heart that you’d be _that vulnerable_ with them. That kind of connection is... unlike anything. Add in wanting to start a family and...”

         She trailed off. She’d been so long in this wasteland without so much as a photo of her husband’s face, it was becoming fuzzier in her mind every day. It was something she never would have foreseen ever being a possibility. Even the sound of his voice was becoming harder to recall.

         “You really miss him, huh?”

         “Yeah.” She felt her chest tightening up. She was already physically vulnerable being naked, she didn’t want to start crying too.

         “Yeah,” he sighed woefully. “ _Yeahhh_...” he repeated, softer this time.

         He didn’t have to explain. She knew exactly what he meant. He knew her pain.

         Even though he never talked about it, she had detected the loneliness radiating from him. Not because he was a sad person -- quite the opposite. Once a lone wolf he was now a rescued puppy, trying at every turn to lighten the mood and make her laugh, like he was desperate to stay by her side. He gave her the impression he’d follow her to the ends of the earth, no matter how dire or frightening. She'd seen him out of his comfort zone so many times in their travels. Even when he complained he never gave the sense he'd ever leave. It was a feeling of unbridled loyalty she hadn't experienced before.

         “But the more I think about it...” She noticed her mood turning back around. A light beginning to illuminate parts of herself she’d never known. “What happened, happened and... for a while I had wished I died in that damn bomb instead of running to the Vault. But not any more.”

         Somehow she sensed his eyes on her. She turned to meet them, no longer shy about their state of undress.

         “I feel like... I’m making a difference. Along with you. With everyone I’ve traveled with over these long _long_  months. Things that for some reason no one else was able to do.”

         “That’s because you remember the old times. They’re fresh in your mind, like it was yesterday... ‘Cos for you it practically was.” He shrugged but stared back intensely, as if he’d forgotten he wasn’t hiding behind his shades. “You’re not jaded like the pre war Ghouls who have lived through misery for centuries. You’re like Valentine... That’s why you two are... so good.”

         She smiled, feeling her eyes water. “You guys... You’ve made all of this so much easier on me. I couldn’t do it without you.”

         “Yeah... this world really _sucks_. But... I’m glad you’re here. With me-- with _us_.”

         He suddenly looked away, but she suspected why; He was becoming too exposed. It was the same song-and-dance she was used to. He had to close back up, fearing he'd get hurt. But she had loyalty to him too. She'd never harm him. She hoped he knew deep down. After all, actions spoke louder than words, right?

         “I think I’ve been in here long enough,” he said quickly. “You?”

         “I’m all good.”

         The sound of water ceased and her ears rang from the quiet.

         “It’s weird having an actual conversation with you,” she said, reaching for her towel.

         “Think of them more as... shower thoughts.”

         “So I have to take another shower with you before you are honest again?”

         “I’ve been honest with you more times than you think. That’s part of why I lie. You’ll never know which is which.”

         “Well you do keep me on my toes.”

         “Success!” he said with mock enthusiasm.

         She didn’t bother wrapping the towel around herself this time. She felt that they’d both revealed enough of themselves that their nudity seemed trivial at this point. He noticed this change and smirked at her.

         “Your ass _does_ look great, Deak,” she said.

         “Noooo, in the Vault suit,” he whined, following her. “Not when it’s just _out there_. God.”

         “But I _know_ you haven’t been working out,” she continued.

         “What do you mean I haven’t been working out?” he said indignantly, now getting dressed. “I’ve never carried so much random junk in my life, you slaver.”

         She laughed, pulling her fresh clothes on too. This had been... kind of great. It had seemed like the worst thing ever but, like many things in this new world, it all turned out better than she ever could have expected. She felt like she'd bonded even more with a guy who prided himself in not making emotional attachments. Or, at least that was the mask he put on. He was a lot softer underneath it all.

         “Hey um..." he started, his demeanor completely changing. "What I said before about never sleeping with anyone again? I meant that in like, the sexual innuendo sense. I uh... I like _sleeping_ with you,” he said, turning around. “In the ‘two lonely souls clinging to human comfort in a cruel harsh world’ kind of way? I hope we keep that up.”

         “I like it too.” She smiled. “You keep me warm at night.”

         “Yeah!” He beamed. “Who needs a down blanket when you got good ol' Deacon.”

         “And you owe me a back rub now. Hope that wasn’t another lie.”

         “It’s on the agenda.” His eyes flickered before he covered them back up with his sunglasses. “Did I tell you about that time I went undercover as a wandering masseuse?”

         “Oh do tell,” she said sarcastically.

         “You see things you wish you actually had a recall code for, just to wipe the brain clean. Have you ever seen a non-feral ghoul naked? Wait no-- don’t answer that. I don’t want to know what you and Hancock have gotten up to.”

         “Deac-- ugh it’s not like that.”

         “OK, I'll take your word, but you gotta understand, like, you  _know_ he’s got a big fat crush on you, right? Just like Nick’s.”

         “I’m sure it isn---” She stopped dead realizing what he said. “Wait, do you really think Nick has a _crush_ on me?”

         “ _Ooooooooh_ ~” He teased.

         “It’s not---" She cringed. "I’m just asking.”

         “You wanna _smooch_ the _synth_ ~” He sing-songed, grinning ear to ear.

         “Stop.” She was turning bright red but she didn’t know why. “I just wanna know if you’re messing--”

         “I'm telling the Brotherhood on you~”

         “Ugh. You’re the _worst_.”

**Author's Note:**

> I had a lot of fun writing this. I've been playing with a lot of Fallout fic concepts lately, but this one just came so easy.
> 
> You can interpret them as anything you want from this fic, but I'm an ace-spectrum person, and I personally headcanon Deacon as a sex-positive ace. Lemme know if you like.
> 
> ETA: THERE'S
> 
>  
> 
> [A DIRECT SEQUEL](http://archiveofourown.org/works/9495740)
> 
>  
> 
> NOW, enjoy.


End file.
